I Will Always Love You

I’ve always been afraid of heights, loneliness and the unknown…

We separated a month ago; this was not our first time, but this was the final time.

You were the one for me for almost four years, and then you weren’t.

I had never laughed this hard,
I had never been so in love,
Life had never been so effortless and blissful as with you, and then it all ended.

We separated a month ago, and I knew I was not buying tickets to fly and spend the holidays with you and your family, but I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t let you go.

It was too painful.
It was too unnatural.
It was too surreal.

It felt as if I was standing on the edge of a high cliff, with my back towards the steep drop, holding your hand, clinging to you, grabbing onto you, denying the obvious.

Then we talked.

Last night we talked about our relationship again. It was quite awkward since we no longer have a relationship.

And this is when it finally hit me how over it was.

It was not that you were not planning to come and see me any time soon.

And it was not that we were not spending Christmas together.

It was that there was no “us” anymore.

I had been grabbing onto a mirage, onto a cloud that had already changed its shape a million times and had even been blown completely out of sight.

It was long gone.

We were long gone.

I had never laughed this hard,
I had never been so in love,
Life had never been so effortless and blissful as with you, and then it was ALL GONE…

I collapsed right after our conversation, but woke up at four o’clock.

I couldn’t sleep.

Someone started Whitney Houston’s song on my “mind radio.” Was it written about us?

“We both know I’m not what you need…”

“If I should stay, I would only be in your way…”

“Bittersweet memories – that is all I am taking with me….”

“I’ll go but I know I’ll think of you every step of the way…”

“I hope life treats you kind and I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of…”

“And I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this I wish you love…”

Then the ceaseless “I will always love you…”

I saw us back on top of a mountain, surrounded by other sharp peaks and the endless blue sky.

I looked back at the vast openness behind me.

I have always been afraid of heights.

I turned back to you and looked into your eyes while still holding your hand.

Then I made one step back, the only step left to the drop.

Our arms stretched to the maximum length and it became hard to maintain the connection.

I have always been afraid of loneliness.

I decided to stop fighting the inevitable and allowed your hand to slowly slide out of mine.

I have always been afraid of the unknown.

You watched me in slow motion fall backwards as I let gravity do its thing, as the hungry and bottomless darkness devoured me…

I cried myself to sleep last night – “I will always love you,” – but when I woke up this morning, I knew that both my back and my soul will be healed now.

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6 Comments »

  1. Dear Diana, I wish that your back and your heart will be heal soon. I don’t know you personally but I believe you are such a nice and sweet person who deserves love and happiness. You are in my prayers and in my heart. I wish you all the good you can have!!
    Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your life with us!!
    I send you tons of love ❤️
    Zoraya

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The strangest thing of all is all these “loves” are destined to fail until we find the One our soul Loves, our First Love, the visible, palpable, hearable Christ who is the exact image and likeness of our invisible God, the Creator of heaven and earth. And once we know Him again, we can find and sustain His Love in the one on this earth who will cherish our heart and never hurt or leave us. God bless you! May you be comforted and healed and made whole, complete and lack nothing in Christ!

    Like

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