The Pilgrimage

I once saw an accident happen right in front of my eyes.

I had always believed that cars were made of very strong, thick and resistant metals. Witnessing both cars becoming deformed beyond recognition in a matter of seconds was incredibly shocking to me. I had never known that vehicles were so fragile – as if they were made of cardboard, – they had always looked solid and unbreakable to me.

As solid and unbreakable as a marriage used to appear. That’s why when twelve years ago I said my “till death do us apart,” I relaxed, having received my life guarantee – “My part is done. Now life will be stable, safe and happy.” After all, that’s what my parents did to ensure their lives would be good, and their parents too, and the parents of their parents, not to mention all my parents’ friends, our neighbors, all the people on TV, in newspapers, magazines and even on social media. What other proof would one need? C’mon! Life is going to be good now!

When ten years later that marriage dissolved, I couldn’t believe that everything that I had viewed as solid, indestructible and assuring didn’t guarantee happiness and could evaporate in a matter of several weeks. It all went from looking as sturdy as a cement bridge to looking as delicate as a soap bubble, which simply popped.

I suddenly had a new name, a new place, a new address and phone number, a new marital status…, and none of those traditional things that everyone else was doing – owning a house together, rescuing a dog together, having a joined checking account, sharing a medical insurance plan, being each other’s primary beneficiary on life insurance… – none of the things that were supposed to guarantee stability prevented the divorce.

Just like those cars that had seemed so safe and solid, but were beyond repair in an instant, my marriage proved to be just a mirage. A soap bubble that popped and was gone with no traces to be found…

“I GOT IT!!! LOVE IS THE ANSWER!!! That’s why my marriage had ended” – there was no true love there!!!” I thought. “I’ve learned my lesson!!! It won’t happen again!!!”

And then it happened again. Not a marriage, but an almost four-year relationship. And there was love this time, but it still turned out to be just another soap bubble. And it popped again. Shockingly and painfully fast and easy. Something that had looked so real was gone as if it had never existed. As if it was simply a figment of my imagination…

I’ve tried living the traditional way, checking off the usual attributes of a “safe and happy life.” It didn’t work for me.

I’ve tried living the heart way, allowing love to lead. That didn’t work either.

What else is there left to try???

I am 37 y.o., and I am forced to start my life from scratch again.

I am forced to find a new reason to live for, a new way to make sense of life, a new way to be happy and at peace.

I am being called to go on a pilgrimage, on a search for myself…

No one can do it for me. No one can go with me. This is the path that I need to walk alone. This is my journey back to me…

A photo by Artem Kovalev. unsplash.com/photos/FTqGXdQbdp0

3 Comments »

  1. I honor your journey and I found a bubble of Christ that never pops and inside this heavenly rainbow bubble with Christ on earth I see everything differently, and new, in the midst of life! God bless you! May you find what your soul is seeking!

    Like

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